You laugh when I kiss various parts of your body like your leg or foot or back. You don’t understand my obsession with your butt or your body in general. What you don’t understand is that you bring me so much pleasure and happiness that I worship your body. All of it. All the time. It is an obsession that I won’t apologize for. You are wonderful and you give me so much. I love you. You make me feel good about myself and for that I thank you so just accept my showering of love even if you don’t understand.
He lives out of the dryer not a care in the world. I am the one that folds even my underwear as soon as the dryer kicks off. Opposites not only attract but help to balance out the quirks we have.
Is it really ME he wants and misses or just what I do?
What will I find when I get home? My brain is befuddled and I am afraid. How will I handle it if I find I’m right?
What If women sat around and touched themselves as often as men do?
Time to vent again. Imagine that….
So things have been a giant roller coaster and not a fun one. It has been two months since my declaration and things are still going on the same. He has done some good things that make me feel like he is sticking around but there are other things that make me wonder.
Lets start with training for work. I have to go to Marshall (an hour away) for six weeks off and on for training for my promotion. He seemed genuinely upset that I had to be gone since I will stay there while working in order to avoid driving 2 hours every day. He said that maybe I can get up there and prove myself and they would let me out sooner. So training started last week and I had to be there five days. He came to see me on Wednesday and it seemed that he really missed me. He came and got me on Friday because my car is in the shop and I thought he was happy I was coming home. Now I’m not so sure.
Yesterday we were going to get a part for my car and needed to get tools from his parents house. We have been fucking for over eight months. I say fucking instead of together or in a relationship because after today I realize that is all it is. Anyway I have not met his parents and probably never will. They were going to be leaving so it wasn’t going to be a big deal for us to stop by there and pick up what we needed. Well we got to town and they were still home. We wasted over an hour waiting for them to leave so that he wouldn’t have to explain me to them. We were going to go there and just tell them that I was a friend he was helping out (which by the way broke my heart into a million pieces) until we saw that they were leaving finally. We also realized that, even though he hadn’t introduced me, his brother had seen us together at the bar so he would recognize me and I guess that would have been bad. After that we went and got my part and came home. I know it is a burden driving me around but he seems really anxious for me to get my car back. It’s like I’m infringing on his freedom or something. The rest of the day was good between us. There were some moments of stress and anger for me but it was about my car and other stuff not him. We had amazing sex multiple times, went out, went to a friends and then came home to more amazing sex.
Today he had to work and he has not really had time to do much house work so I figured since I’m stuck here and alone that I would do it for him. I started in the kitchen which was fine. I straightened up the living room, again fine. All hell broke loose when I got to the bedroom. I know that he is not the cleanest person. He doesn’t pick up after himself for shit but I found five used condoms around his room. I KNOW that at least one of them was not there for all eight months that we’ve been together because he has cleaned the main part of that room since then and I found it right under some laundry. We are fluid bonded and don’t use condoms unless we are having anal which we have only done twice. I really don’t know what to think. I want to walk away but I need to have the grounds to do it. I cleaned everything up and am planning on waiting. If I find another one, because all of them are gone I checked under everything, I will confront him and that will have to be it. We are not in a committed relationship but I was under the impression that we are at least monogamous. If we are not I either don’t want to fuck with it or want to know that the rules go both ways.
It really fucking sucks because I really love him and want to spend my time with him but I have dealt with so many sexual issues in the past that I don’t think I can do it again. I have been with men that would rather look at porn and jack off than to have sex with a real woman. The last one had ED brought on by meds he had to take and didn’t seem to care that sex was a very important part of my life. I really thought that I had found my true sex partner but maybe not.
I really hate being in this head space right now. I have invested so much into this and into staying true to only him but it seems as if that is not the case for him.
ON ANOTHER NOTE: He likes to show me off and we are very provocative in public. My friends watch and then comment to me basically hitting on me and I just brush it off because I know that our friendship means more to them than a chance encounter that may end badly. Well the other night one of his friends (best friend) told me that he could give me so much more than what I’m getting in my relationship now. I told him that I love my guy and tried to brush him off. Last night he made a comment about being my rebound when this ends. My friend said that he needs to find a Jen to complete his life. WTF people.
So here I am dwelling in the most dangerous place on earth, my head. It is processing at about 310 miles per hour and I can’t stop it. How do I face him when he gets home from work? How do I not run away by asking him to just take me home? How am I not paranoid? Is this the end and I just refuse to see it?
I AM HEARTBROKEN AND FEEL DESTROYED BY THE ONE PERSON THAT I’VE GIVEN MY ALL.
Rant from 1/12/13
So, I told him I’d made a dreadful mistake. I’d fallen in love with someone who didn’t love me back and that I wanted to keep someone that didn’t want to keep me. He said I had him for now. After I cried and was ready to leave, he tole me he wished he could make it better but that he just couldn’t. I guess there in lies my answer. I offered him my heart and he turned it down. Now here I am broken and constantly in tears. There’s part of me that knows after a few days of silence that if he came back and said he changed his mind that I’d be his in the span of a heartbeat. Tut is that the right choice? Would he just be saying it to maintain what we had which is a great sexual relationship without him having to give his heart, or would he really mean it. The problem is that I wouldn’t know until he moved on.
Meanwhile I have another guy who seems ready to be 100% devoted to me but I’m having issues letting him in because of the what if’s. He is sweet, kinky and cute. A devoted family man and he treats me like I’m a goddess and the most beautiful sensual woman on earth.
WHAT THE HELL
I’m so fucked up right now that I can’t seem to get out of my own way. I don’t want to lose myself in a relationship but I’d really like to have one. He seems like the perfect blend of playful, sensual and responsible but I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Something isn’t right. Maybe it is just my skepticism during this phase of trying to get over the other one. Color me clueless. Although I also believe if it seems too good to be true that it probably is.
POST NOTE TO THIS IN HINDSIGHT:
I stayed with the boy and the too good to be true guy was an obsessive stalker.
When you spend the day wishing everyone a Happy Easter but you’re not happy at all
